Me. Lately.

Although I really should be off showering and specifically, washing my hair, tonight I have been sitting here in a quiet home, reading old blogs that feel like old friends.  It's funny.  I almost didn't want to click on their links.  Like I was opening myself up to some sort of comparison that I didn't want to acknowledge.  A failure.  Well, it wasn't like that, but it is like that, in a way.  Sometimes when I read other blogs, I get this longing.  Do you ever get that too?  I mean, longing for more.  While one blog truly inspires me to be more adventurous, outdoorsy, healthy--Another, spins my head with the power of human connection.  And others that might seem trivial and materialistic, when you read on, their voices have substance, their words have meaning.  As I clicked through each link,  my heart opened up.  My longing for more, became more like inspired for more.

Inspired for more out of my life.
I am longing to find my voice.  

I have been all over the map lately with my thoughts.  Thinking a lot about passion.  Searching for the thing that gives my life meaning, and I guess that is where that longing feeling comes.  I love reading blogs for the many intimate glimpses into a person's heart, and I love reading blogs, because so many of the people that have blogs are living their own dream.  I'd like to find my dream.  I desperately want to find my passion.  You know, that thing I was sent on this earth to do.  That thing that will make my eyes sparkle when I'm an old lady reliving my days. 

I go back and forth, because so much of my life is my dream.  A solid marriage, a patient, fun-loving friend.  Two healthy, awesome kids.  A house to call a home.  A family to truly enjoy.  A family always willing to help, and to listen.  Friends that will go the mile.  The fact that I can type out those sentences and really mean it means my life is full.  My heart is full.  I do not take these things lightly.  So dreaming of more for sure makes me feel guilty.  But, then...I can't help it.  I want more.

I'm not talking about material stuff.  I'm talking about being driven, having a purpose however big or small that may be.

Here's the thing with me.  If you know me, you know I like stability.  I might say I like change, but wait.  No, I never say that.  With stability, I find safety, and man, I think I hold onto that for dear life.  Yet, here I sit.  Typing these thoughts, and feeling better as I do.  Feeling the need to take a leap...to...somewhere?  It might sound silly, but at the end of last year, I felt myself being trapped in a glass box.  And then, at some point, I just changed my mind about it, and pictured myself standing on top of that box, arms open, head up looking at the sky.  That image for me is me embracing all that I am, and becoming my ultimate me.  And I'd like to live up to that ideal--that inner promise I made to make a change.  To be open to whatever comes next.  To blunder through new territory and come out alright--safe, but maybe not so stable.

So, what do all these thoughts mean?  For now, it means that I am exploring my options.  And I think I'd like to blog more about the process and about things that inspire Me. Lately.  Thoughts in my brain, and things that make me smile.  Kid updates for sure, but also just stuff for me. 

Are you down?